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    當前位置:首頁 > 幸福婚姻 > 正文

    如何重新信任曾經精神出軌的老公

    來源:豐木色子 日期:2014-09-12 錄入:www.181qd.com 閱讀:1次 我要評論
      豐木老師:
      
      您好!
      
      我跟我老公是在學校認識的,畢業就結婚了。
      
      2013年春節結婚。因為我們兩家離得遠,所以2014年春節才到我父母家辦酒宴。他過于安于現狀,我過于急于求成。所以造成這中間也一直小吵小鬧不斷。今年6月2日一天晚上,他跟人家聊微信,然后我湊過去的時候他說我不能看,因為他們聊天有點不雅。我就沒說話。后來半夜我起來看他微信,他把記錄清空了。我才意識到問題的嚴重性。從那之后我每天都上吐下瀉心發慌,真的是茶不思飯不想。暴瘦到78斤。第二天晚上我們跟朋友一起吃飯,他一直在聊短信,我實在忍不住就問他了。他的回答是就一女的。我知道那是他同事。他說“我又沒有說不要你,也沒有說離婚,你別想那么多”。
      
      從那之后我變得對他更好,我知道他喜歡愛笑的女孩,我就每天笑著面對他。他說一我都不說二。我說“我愿意抹掉我所有菱角,變成你想要的女人,但請你也別辜負我對你的信任”,后來我一直偷偷查他QQ記錄。他們是一個辦公室的,用的辦公軟件,也許是拿辦公軟件聊天了吧。沒查到什么。我就松了口氣。再過幾天我看到他上傳的相片居然是他們用的辦公軟件,他跟她是情侶名!然后我就問他“我要怎么做你才收手?”他說“我又沒下手,何為收手。我只是一時愛玩,等過段時間玩膩了,就不玩了,你別想那么多“。這段時間他跟我說的最多的一句話就是讓我別想那么多,別自己折騰自己。18號晚上,我又查了他們的記錄,記錄看到他說他喜歡她迷人的嘴唇,今天親不到她的嘴唇,只好親了她的臉;他說他跟我結婚太草率,所以我倆現在磨合不了,所以喜歡上愛笑的她。他說不管怎么樣,他只想在某個時候抓住她的心,別讓自己后悔就好。她沒接受,但也沒拒絕。后來我第二天就跟他攤牌了。他居然說”他就親了,怎么了。他們又沒有上床,問我到底想怎樣”,然后我說離婚吧。
      
      我們第二天就回家辦手續,本來想偷偷騙他父母拿到戶口本,悄悄辦了。最后他家人知道了,就沒辦成。全家人阻止,他爸要跟他斷關系,氣得吐白沫。最后我兩也沒說要辦,那就先這樣吧。回來后,因為我沒一個親人在那邊,我心里不踏實,班也沒辦法上,所以我就回我家了。回來前一晚上,我問他是怎么親的她,他說就像開玩笑那樣,你過來我給你說個悄悄話,然后就親上了。我沒說話。他說我們以后別聯系了吧,他說他給不了我想要的幸福,那就給我放生,還我現在。讓我回家找個好人嫁了,忘了他。我沒說話。第二天我到家,他給我打電話說他做不到那么狠,我們還是做朋友吧。有事打電話。我說“我連分手都遷就你,還有什么不可以”。剛到家那幾天他一直給我說讓我忘了他,他不好怎么怎么樣的。一直給我發那些安慰失戀的人的話。他說”他還是會關心我,只是不是愛。他也不是愛那個女孩,只是短暫的喜歡“,我一生氣我就說”那好,那你以后別再聯系我了,因為我談戀愛了,你跟我聯系會讓他難受的“,他說讓我別那么沖動,想好了,看好了,他是反面教材,他就一直在那,我想聯系了就聯系,不想聯系了就不聯系。后來我們再沒聯系過。。
      
      老師,我現在很迷茫我怎么辦?第一我不甘心我的婚姻就這樣。第二相對我爸媽這邊來說,我們今年春節才結婚,等于結婚才半年就離婚,那我爸媽顏面何在?我承認我還是愛他的,可是我又不能接受這樣的他。我很糾結,很迷茫,請老師開導,謝謝!!!
      
      
      二:
      
      豐豐老師:
      
      你好!
      
      請問怎么做才能重新建立起對一個人的信任?
      
      因為之前老公精神出軌,咨詢過您,后來我們和好了,這段時間過得也很好,在外人看來我們恩愛的不行。可是我心里卻不曾快樂。老想去查他什么,也半夜查他手機,微信什么的。可是查出一些又不能定他死刑的東西,反而讓自己難受。有時候不管多忙,腦子都會突然蹦出來“他這會干嘛呢?跟誰在一起?突然會想起他以前的事”,然后又獨自難受。
      
      老師,怎么才能控制思想?控制行為?重新建立信任?
      

     
      豐木色子回復:
      
      關于精神出軌的問題,《婚姻法》里沒有明文規定說不允許已婚人士與其他異性曖昧,所以然,婚姻中的男女必須明白一件事情,法律和道德是有差距的,違反道德規范的人不一定是違法的人,“法無禁止即可為”,你能拿他怎么辦?自己必須想通透一些問題,在思想觀念上解放自己也放了他人,心態調到平和的狀態。盡管愛情、婚姻中的人都是自私的,都渴望完美,誰也不愿意愛人背叛自己,但現實是殘酷無情的,人性本身是貪婪丑陋的,有太多的弱點。
      
      無論是喜是悲,生活還是要繼續。快樂與否取訣于人們的行為后果。一個人的意志力非常重要,任何事情任何人,怎樣才能得到你的信任,完全取訣于你的內心,你相信他是真的他就是真的,你懷疑他是假的他就成假的了,所以如果我們想信任一個人,不管怎樣,首先選擇從相信開始。
      
      一個人的思想觀念由許多因素形成,而一個人的行為受思想觀念的影響。大腦可以控制你的行為,卻很難控制你的思想。那么怎樣才能調控好自己的思想,控制自己的行為,達到重新信任對方的目的呢?如下羅列一些教程上及自己總結的經驗:
      
      1、接受并且相信你的思想是由自己控制的。如果錯誤的想法對你產生了任何不良影響,你也應該擔起責任來治好自己,你不自救誰能救你?強大自己,讓他離開你的成本增大。
      
      2、把自己當成另外一個人,與自己進行交流。在自我幫助的過程中,尋找各種想法的來源,尤其是那些錯誤消極的念頭,并努力探查自己到底在害怕什么。總結一個現象:你越是害怕發生的事情,它就越會發生,你越是希望幸福長久些,它就越快離你遠去。所以,你最好不要去恐懼擔心什么,也最好不要奢望挽留所謂甜甜蜜蜜的假象,一切順其自然就好!
      
      3、在紙上寫下你腦海中消極的想法,并且想象一下如果自己任由這些念頭發展下去會有什么后果。這一過程會讓你采取積極行動幫助自己,擊退絕望和無助。
      
      4、以重要性和規律性為基礎,評價一下自己常有的想法是否是真的正確,并著手減少那些適得其反的想法。
      
      5、想象生活中那些你希望得到的美好事物,并逐一記錄在紙上。保持這一習慣有利于淡忘消極的事物,緩解焦慮感。
      
      提示:注意,不要為了忘記消極的事物而編造一些不切實際的美夢來欺騙自己,因為欺騙過后的失望會遠遠大于美夢成真的希望。
      
      6、珍惜自己現在擁有的一切,靜坐冥想生活中美好的事物。你可以每天進行一次冥想,如果有必要,每小時做一次也可。
      
      7、多將注意力轉移到工作學習上,參加一些公益活動和體育鍛煉,遇到猶豫不訣的事情,多和好朋友或家人溝通。如果不方便與身邊人傾訴的事情可以和網絡中的好友或情感方面的專家咨詢。
      
      8、從現在開始努力訓練自己的積極思維,遵循以上步驟,慢慢地你就可以控制自己的思想了,增強自控能力和情緒的管控。
      
      歸根到底一句話:接受,改變,離開。不能接受那就改變,不能改變,那就離開。

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